


Swords and Shields: Varric needs help

by NotEggnon (Nijntje)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkwardness, Drabble, F/M, Implied Smut, One Shot, Silly, Teasing, trolling cullen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3845614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nijntje/pseuds/NotEggnon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varric is trying to write smut for Swords and Shields. Solas helps out, but only to troll Cullen.</p><p>Nothing is explicit, it's all up to your own imagination.</p><p>---</p><p>English is not my first language, so apologies in advance for any mistakes. Also, I'm a novice at writing. And I'm silly. So is this post. Hope you enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swords and Shields: Varric needs help

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geekyjez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geekyjez/gifts).



‘Hey Curly! Templars are not celibate, are they?’ Varric called from his end of the long table. He was sitting with Sera, Solas and Dorian. An unlikely group to sit together at breakfast. Varric’s notebook was on the table, between a cup of tea and a bread roll, Varric’s quill poised above it.

Cullen choked on his tea and went into a coughing fit. Lavellan, with whom he had been talking before, slapped him on his back. Then she turned to the dwarf. ‘They’re not!’  
‘How would YOU know?’ Sera piped up.  
Lavellan grinned. ‘I already asked him that very question once, of course!’  
Cullen had recovered enough to ask ‘Why do you want to know, Varric?’  
‘Book research! Don’t tell the Seeker! Thanks!’ Varric scribbled something in his notebook.

Cullen turned to Lavellan, looking slightly horrified. ‘You don’t think he’s writing a book about me, right?’  
She grinned. ‘Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure it’s all purely fictional. Since we’re not supposed to tell Cassandra, I bet it’s for Swords and Shields. Anyway, what were you saying about those catapults?’  
Cullen threw one last dark look at the dwarf, who was now deep in conversation with the two mages and Sera and completely oblivious to the commander’s glare. He sighed and turned back to Lavellan, trying to focus on the task at hand.

—

‘Ugh. I’m completely stuck with this scene.’ Varric leaned back and took a bite of toast, chewing thoughtfully.  
‘Are you trying to write about steamy templars bumping bits? Is that why you’re asking stuff?’ Sera snickered.  
‘Trying being the operative word. It’s not working out very well.’ Varric sighed.  
‘Well, hop to it!’ said Dorian. ‘Cassandra is desperately waiting for that chapter, you know.’  
‘Not helping, Sparkler.’

‘Ah, is the strapping young templar finally hooking up with the lady mage he has been pining after?’  
Three pairs of eyes turned to Solas.  
‘You read the romance series?’ Incredulity dripped from Varric’s voice. Sera snorted.  
‘I did,’ Solas confirmed.

Dorian was the first to find his voice again. ‘Why? It’s horrible!’  
Varric protested. ‘Hey now, it’s not that bad! Well alright, maybe it is. But that’s no reason to be mean about it.’  
Solas merely shrugged, looking faintly amused. ‘It offers an interesting insight into the mind of our Seeker. She loves that series. That tells me something about her. By the way, is the Ser Sollen from your book in any way based on our good Commander?’ 

’Nahh, whatever gave you that idea?’ Varric lied, most unconvincingly. ‘Any similarities are purely coincidence. But, since we’re talking about my book anyway, are there any magey tricks for the bedroom that I could write into this scene? I’m having trouble coming up with ideas.’ Varric looked from Solas to Dorian and back.  
Sera perked up. ‘Oooh, I gotta hear this.’  
‘I don’t think so,’ Solas said.  
‘Oh, come on! You’re not going to doom poor Ser Sollen to a boring sex life, are you? Besides, this is your chance to bring some reality to my series!’  
‘He’s right, Solas, we owe it to Cassandra. And Ser Sollen,’ Dorian said earnestly. 

‘You make a convincing argument. Very well,’ Solas said, ‘I will help. For Ser Sollen’s sake. Even if he is a purely fictional character.’

——

Cullen was having a hard time keeping his mind on his conversation with Lavellan. At the far end of the table, he could hear Solas speaking in low tones. He couldn’t make out what was said, but Sera’s snorts and giggles were getting louder and louder. Occasionally she or Dorian would exclaim ‘Really?’ or ‘Oooh, that’s good!’ while Varric scribbled away furiously, sometimes admonishing Solas to wait or asking him to repeat something. The four of them kept glancing at him, too. After the impertinent question earlier, Cullen was feeling ill at ease. 

‘Hot damn, Solas! I’m no choir boy, but I had no idea you could use…’ Dorian began.  
‘I know, right?’ Sera interjected. ‘I’m not into men with their dangly bits and magic’s scary, but even I think that’s… wooof.’ 

Solas sat there, looking far too smug. It was too much for Cullen.  
‘Maker’s breath! What are you all talking about?’ he demanded. 

Varric closed his notebook with a snap and gave Solas an appraising stare before turning to Cullen. ‘You’ll have to wait until it’s finished, Curly. All I will say is that Chuckles here is a veritable fount of knowledge… did you learn all that in the Fade too?’  
Solas smirked. ‘I am old enough to also have some actual experience, master Tethras. I am glad I could be of assistance.’

Cullen could do nothing but glare at them. Dorian hastily made his exit in search of Bull, claiming he had some experiments to perform. Sera cackled and fled the room. Varric left to ‘write this stuff down properly’.  
Solas nodded at Cullen. ‘Commander.’ He walked over to Lavellan, who looked at him curiously. ‘Are you ready to go, vhenan?’ 

As the elves walked out, Cullen could hear Lavellan asking Solas ‘What was that all about? Cullen practically had steam coming from his ears.’  
Solas chuckled. ‘I know. The look on his face alone was worth it.’  
Lavellan punched him in the shoulder. ‘You tease.’

———

‘Let me get this straight.’ Cassandra looked at Cullen suspiciously. ‘You want to borrow Swords and Shields from me?’  
‘I… yes. Is that a problem?’  
‘I… no, of course not. By all means. Enjoy.’ 

————

Solas saw Cullen walk on the battlements, clutching the first chapter of Swords and Shields, and grinned. Definitely worth it.


End file.
